So my mental breakdowns have taken a new form.

It’s a lot more brainless sitting and staring and avoiding and less of an emotional explosion of tears. 

I think now I’ve accepted mediocrity I just don’t care as much as I should anymore. This is bad for me. I need to be more.

What kind of dietician has social anxiety.

 

Mmkay

My childhood was like some kind of amazing trailer to my life that turned out to be the biggest flop that could ever be produced.

Why am I like this. I am like the embodiment of mediocrity I hate this.

 

This time last year

I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t getting out of bed, I wasn’t even trying. I forgot how to feel happy. I cried so much I had a perpetual headache. I’d refuse to leave my room for days on end. I scratched myself so hard I bled. I honestly didn’t even want a future. But there was one person that I knew needed me more than I needed myself and she pulled me through without even knowing it.

I’m glad I made that impulse decision to back out of my honours year. I had to stop and breathe. I hated everything and I needed to come home, stop, breathe and recover. More than anything I’m glad my parents, who almost never stopped to breathe, didn’t stop me.

I may not have my life together yet. I may not have managed to fix everything that was wrong with me in the past year. I may still think those dark thoughts and have my dark days.

But everyone has those, every now and then. I care now. I want a future. There is a point. I don’t know what it is yet but there is one and I’ll do something, someday that will make everything worth it.

 

Someone please tell me where I’m going. Am I even on the right path?

When your whole system is down, when nothing’s making you tick the way they say you should.

Chasing deadlines, missing them completely. Losing track of everything, squeezing every ounce of juice out of your mind.

Trying to look inside and realising there’s a hollow pit where you once felt everything. You overdosed on numbing cream, you can’t feel your soul.

When you feel lonelier than ever but the idea of sharing anything real with anyone at all makes you feel so itchy and claustrophobic you just want to peel your skin off just so what they touched won’t be real anymore.

They always say everything works out in the end. They always tell you not to worry you’ll find your place. But in the end you’re gone too. Is that when it all works out?

There are some out there that never get it right. There have to be some. What if you’re one of them.Wandering in circles making all the decisions that aren’t best for you, thinking they make the most sense.

When was I ever passionate about anything really.

 

like a dandelion seed in the wind
float right through right along

watch the world as you go they don’t know
some see you
but soon enough they wont
you’ll go on through and through

you can’t take root until you’ve found your place

someday. but not today, never today.

You’ll never let people through. You don’t even let yourself through.

Isolation is bliss. 

 

It’s weird when people assume they know me well enough to try and predict me. Because no one really can know me when no one’s really seen all of me. When I know these predictions mean nothing because every action is a calculated choice – conscious or not. The action changes with the equation – the people involved, the setting, the consequences, the benefits, the comfort factor, the difficulty level. You just settle into a facet of yourself that fits best with the scene you’ve been thrust into.

Old urges can be resisted, new urges can be created. Nothing is permanent or temporary.

I saw a darkness in my face
I drove the car without the brakes.

I saw a mountain at my gates.
I saw it more and more each day

Oh I was given some time
I learnt the footholds from where I should climb

Dark clouds gathered round. I stood my ground.

 

Done and gone.

 

Lights out, Words gone.

It’s all getting old fast

Some days you have to bring yourself back and remember who you are way down in your core. Just so you don’t stray too far.

 

It’s blinding, scorching hot so don’t stay too long but just long enough for it to brand itself in your mind’s eye.

There’s this peace that comes with accepting the meaninglessness of most things. Life’s really just a play and we’re all actors. You choose who you want to be cause what does it even mean to be yourself.

When you realise the first is never last but that’s the one that lasts.

They saw it all, and you saw them.